U.K. Emposes ‘Crumpet Embargo’ on Iran after Embassy Invasion
Tehran, IRAN – Just hours after hard-line protesters stormed the British Embassy in downtown Tehran trashing regalia and tossing paperwork out of windows, Prime Minister David Cameron today announced significant cutbacks in diplomatic ties with the Islamic republic.
The protesters – mostly students and youths – amassed outside the embassy around 9:00 am local time chanting anti-U.K. slogans in response to fresh sanctions over Iran’s controversial nuclear development program. Despite riot police presence, the crowd of several hundred pushed their way through protective gates and eventually accessed the facility. Computers and windows were smashed, and thousands of papers and files were set alight or heaved into the street. No casualties were reported.
In remarks made outside his residence at 10 Downing Street, Cameron expressed disgust and condemnation of the act, noting that given the U.K’s previously stellar public service record in Iran, it was “totally unfayre” that the embassy was trashed. He added that punitive measures would be implemented immediately, and lamented, “…these wankers nobbled our good name in Tehran!”
Recently proposed U.N. sanctions based on allegations of suspicious nuclear activity will be reinforced, said Cameron, as well as a new strict trade ban on all crumpets, biscuits, cakes, pastries, and other tea-time paraphernalia. By the end of 2011 the House of Commons is expected to issue a decree ending all exports of Princess Diana commemorative fine china. Officials at the Council for Healthy Administrations and Vocations (CHAV), a Middle East advocacy group that consults governments on economic policy, downplayed the embargo as “not serious”. “[President Mahmoud] Ahmadinejad will likely see this reaction by the Prime Minister as a sort of schoolyard intimidation routine – daunting, but ultimately benign”, said Senior Research Analyst Omezza Spinali. Because of the generally amiable relations between the two nations, Cameron was “probably trying to scold Iran” by exploiting its love for elaborate desserts and teas.
As alcoholic beverages are not publicly solid in Iran under sharia, Islamic religious law, men frequent chāi khāneh, or tea houses. Due to high demand for gustatory satisfaction, shopowners are worried that this new ban will incite revolts in their clientele. The so-called ‘Crumpet Embargo’ is estimated to reduce customer appreciation of mid-afternoon snacks by 15-25% in the coming months. Iranian government officials have established a temporary ‘Yellowcake Bakery’ adjacent to the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran (AEOI) headquarters in order to compensate for the shortage of breadstuffs.
United States President Barack Obama has not announced any trade bans on Iran, which experts point out would be useless, as most American-made goods are prohibited in Iran already.